Grief - Depression
800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
PSA: I cannot stress this enough. DO NOT go through this stage alone.
Depression is difficult enough to handle, but one of the worst side effects is the negative thoughts that will bombard you. They can stack up faster than you think and before you know it. You're asking yourself if the world would be a better place without you. The answer is no. If you’ve had thoughts of suicide or harming yourself, don't be afraid to ask a close friend or family member to do daily checkups on you. If I could list my personal number here, I would, but for now, save this number in your phone 800-273-8255.
Your life is one of a kind and one hundred percent worth living.
I was sitting on my couch in the winter of 2019 when I realized I hadn't moved for at least six hours – and worse, I hadn't left the house in over three days. "What was the point"? I asked myself this question every time I had the urge to do something. Another five hours would pass before my stomach growled so loud that it woke up my blue heeler from her nap. I trudged my way into the kitchen so I could eat the first bite of food in over twenty-two hours – It took all of my energy just to open the jar of peanut butter and dig my spoon in. I stood there leaning against the counter in a trance. "Everything… everything is fucked” I mumbled. "How could I possibly come back from this"?
Depression hits people in a number of ways. For me, depression feels like I'm wearing a hoodie made out of weighted beads. It covers my head and torso in an invisible material, sinking me further and further into my couch. I don't want to move, my head feels heavy, and my breathing is labored. You may feel as though it's the worst day of your life, as if you are numb, hopeless, heavy, or lost. Like you're a tortured soul, and hell came up from the depths just to invade all the free space in your mind. Most of all, you feel alone. Sure, you may not feel physically alone, but you're alone in thought. Like anyone you come into contact with is obviously living a better and happier version of life than you. Despite them meaning well, they could never understand the sadness in your mind.
By the time you've reached the depression stage of grief, all the cards in the deck have been played. You've constructed the preferred reality of denial, unleashed the rage of your inner Hulk, and bargained everything away, just for an ounce of control. You have nothing left but to finally sit in the desolation of your trauma. Much like dealing with anger, it's imperative to address your sadness as well – you need to start small here – and journaling will give you that outlet. Whether in audio or written format, journaling is the safest and easiest way to begin releasing this negative energy. If you do this correctly, you're going to be writing out some dark and scary stuff, which is why you're journaling instead of telling your friends or tweeting about it. Few things compare to the embarrassment of finally getting the courage to confide in a close friend, only to have them completely and utterly shocked at the dark thoughts pouring out of your mouth. That's why you journal first – and get scary with it.
If you need help getting started, here is one of my actual journal entries from Dec. 17th 2019. (six months since we separated and two weeks after the divorce was granted)
I'm so tired of this mental torture and pain. I'm tired of the never-ending dilemma of hating her and worrying about her. I keep expecting these feelings of shit and grief to go away but showing up to an empty house and having my mind filled with loneliness is about to send me over the edge. NOTHING FEELS REAL! There are not enough distractions to handle this pain. We died because she couldn't let go of her baggage and just love me. I felt released from a spell when she moved on, but now I'm stuck in a whole new hell. Nothing brings me happiness; there are only breaks from the pain. Fuck this life. I know God has a purpose for me, but this, this is close to unbearable.
It's easy for me to laugh at this now – I've spent years working and healing through moments like this one – but I still use this practice today. We can't always stop the depressive thoughts from arriving or keep our emotions from bubbling to the surface, but we can always direct where they go.
Embracing the darkness and addressing your depression will slowly but surely turn your pain into hope and relief. Whatever trauma you've been grieving – if dealt with properly – will develop into a more enlightened and understanding view of life. Does life suck? Hell yes, but when you actually heal and let go of the pain, anger, and control, you will start to see everything as it is, fluid. People, places, and experiences are not meant to last forever, but thankfully we can learn to accept and cherish the time we have with them. This brings us to the ever-evolving and beautiful stage of acceptance.