Grief - Anger
It’s easier to be angry than sad…
This blog series was adapted from the Kübler-Ross Model of the five stages of grief. For more information, check out Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's book On Death and Dying here.
Confusion sets in, heart rate rises, your jaw clenches, and your body becomes flush with blood-boiling rage. The lucid picture of trauma appears as the preferred reality of denial fizzles out of sight. And there it is, the emotion of anger lurking in the shadows to become your closest friend.
By the time you start living in actual reality again, anger sets the tone for the next stage of grief. This is where most people come face to face with their inner Hulk. Bruce Banner may ask the questions of "why me?" and "How could this happen?" but the Hulk only does one and one thing only. Smash. "You won't like me when I'm angry" becomes the truest of statements. You may begin blaming each and every moving person or thing for causing you this pain. Redirecting your anger toward close family or friends – even if they did nothing to cause the traumatic event. If you're a person of faith, doubts about God and religion start plaguing your mind. Where is He? Why didn't He protect me from this hell? Do I deserve it?
Researchers and mental health professionals around the world agree this anger is a necessary stage of grief. I would further encourage you to allow yourself to feel every weighted ounce of it, especially with God. Even though you might feel like diving into anger will cause a dangerous and endless cycle of rage, I promise you, it will dissipate. The faster you formally address your anger, name it, and allow yourself to feel the emotion of it, the faster its rage will subside, and true healing can begin.
"We can't be good unless we know what bad is." Ray Bradbury - Something Wicked This Way Comes
It isn't healthy to suppress any emotion – especially anger. Emotions are just energy in motion; they're chemical reactions and our body's natural response to thoughts and hormones. When we suppress that energy, it will eventually find its way out in an uncontrolled manner and be even more disruptive.
In everyday life, we are told to control our anger and not lash out at anyone, especially God. But, when you experience a traumatic event, you become disconnected from reality – you lose your grounding in the real world. Think of anger as the tether keeping your world from completely breaking apart. Directing your anger towards something or someone bridges the gap between a preferred reality and reality. Now, I’m not instructing you to walk around town, calling everyone an ass-hat, and kicking their puppies. I’m simply saying you need to direct the anger in your mind. Focus on the factual events or people that caused your trauma and mentally get angry with them. Call them names, think devious thoughts, silently judge them when you see them post on Instagram, and have fun with it – just keep it in the safe space of your mind.
Contrary to popular belief, sometimes it's essential for us to get angry and lash out at God too. In my experience, I've used God as a safe haven to distribute my anger. You can read a more detailed experience in our other blog post, 'God's Fight Club,' here. If you're not a believer, I recommend finding a quiet place where you can be alone, like your car or bathroom, and get angry at the universe. Yelling at God or the universe does several things. Much like journaling, yelling your frustrations out into the ether helps to release the energy built up in your body – not to mention it saves you from wrongly lashing out to an undeserving bystander.
The only way to feel your anger is to accept your situation's gritty and unabridged details. This is when you dig into the weeds of what is causing you pain. When I went through my divorce, I had to break down any walls that structurally held love in my heart for my ex-wife. I had to see the situation for what it truly was. She was the person who had caused me several years of pain. She abused me verbally and mentally and publicly embarrassed me. She cheated on me multiple times and had no awareness of the consequences. The bill came due, and it was time for me to see the person she really was. When my best friend Terrance died in a car accident, I lashed out at the doctors for not doing enough. I got pissed at him for being stubborn and not wearing a seatbelt. I was furious at the other driver for not paying attention and swerving into his lane. I yelled at God for taking a good man way too soon.
If you're like me and put others' feelings ahead of your own, this stage will feel harsh, cold, and undeserving, but the anger stage is not for rational thought – rational thought will come later. You have to let loose ALL of the pent-up energy you've stored, the hurt you've gone through, and the mental strain you've endured. You have to throw a tantrum. Just do it in a safe space.
When the anger dwindles from a raging fire to a smoldering pile of ashes, you will experience remorse. It's normal. When Bruce Banner wakes up to the reality of what/who the Hulk has smashed, we witness him fall into a slump. He wants to rid himself of the damage he caused and begins feeling the weight of his rage. Whether you lash out at someone unintentionally or confront your anger in a safe environment, you will feel remorseful. If you don't, it either means you have more anger to work through or you need the help of a professional to guide you through your anger. Feeling this remorse and the weight of your trauma unwraps a whole box of questions which means you are ready for the next stage of grief. Bargaining.